something new each day

it's been too long... i won't linger on it since the truth is i've just been busy. and a little sad. but mostly busy that cloaks over the sad.

i think i'm slowly becoming more okay with my autism. it sounds kind of silly but it's really hard not to be so self-hating about it. i've spent an insane amount of time crying and wishing i could just be normal. i don't understand most people and they don't understand me. i've always been an outsider in general but that Othering Weirdness was more acceptable when i was a kid. now i'm a grown woman and it becomes less acceptable to be a hermit or unapproachable. a lot of people have told me i come across as 'in my own world' or disinterested in other people. i don't mean to, obviously, but trying to be palatable is so exhausting.

i've doomed about it plenty, but i think it enriches me, too. i hold a lot of love for the things that bring me joy. i think this website is proof that i can be obsessive over weird stuff and the older i get, the less ashamed of it i become. i'll probably be doing the same shit when i'm, like, 40. i hate the word cringe more than anything because it feels so juvenile. i've spent years making myself feel horrible for being a weird nerd it's laughable to imagine that anyone else could make me feel worse.

i guess i can finally talk about The Dreaded Friendship Break-Up now that its been a few weeks.

i took a step back for an hour to see if it would be easier to put into words but it's not really so word vomit it is. basically i went to a party that was hosted by people i didn't really know that well. i drove them and i was 45 minutes away from my apartment and a mile out from literally Anything. i got way too drunk and way too high and at a certain part of the night i got crazy paranoid. like. i was fully convinced everyone there was a cult member that lured me here to kill and eat me. it was crazy. so yeah i was horrified. scared out of my mind. and i freaked out enough to call the cops because i couldn't be convinced otherwise. i give myself some credit because the vibe was indeed off. i was being given way too many drugs by people twice my age and i recognize now that i was being preyed on for sexual intent but anyway. after i called the cops i called my friend.

for context i moved up to (insert state here) for school and to be closer with two friends (married couple) that i had known for 2 years. 3 years at this point in time. we'd been through a lot and i considered them the closest people to me. a month ago they had moved away because one of them had gotten a promotion that required them to change locations. i was admittedly upset but i was happy for her. additional context is that since the move i, truthfully, hadnt been very responsive to them reaching out to me. i was severely depressed in the midst of a winter im still not used to (southern gurl 4 lyfe) and was in the trenches of academia. regardless i called them because i was scared and thought theyd be there for me. i dont have any family here. i have a very small friend circle. i needed help. and what i got was uh. not that. my friend was reasonably frustrated and confused and talked me through it until even in my drugged mind i could telli was being a burden. so i called one of my school friends and she drove out nearly an hour to pick me up even though it was around midnight. i slept on her couch and was incredibly embarrassed about what happened but im so grateful for her and we've gotten closer since then.

my other friends on the other hand did not take it well. one of them left all the group chats we had. the other left me on read while i was giving her updates. i sent a message to that one to apologize for what happened but i told her i was upset that they didnt seem concerned over my wellbeing. she said that it feels like i only reach out and open up when i need something. i understood. then her wife messages me and gives me such a nasty passive aggressive response and despite how innapropriate it was i still grovelled for forgiveness from both of them. i felt really horrible about it. it was a stupid thing i did and i hadnt been a good friend lately. but i needed space. two weeks pass. i get another vile message that essentially says that im clearly jealous of her success and i treat my friends horribly and she blocks me. and it's then that i realize how fucked up it is.

i come to you when i'm in crisis after weeks of isolating myself from everyone and you make it about yourself. i'm not asking for empathy all the time because i know depression can be frustrating on the other end but i make a stupid mistake one time and now i'm the villain? because i wasn't around for you to vent and infodump about your yaoi-of-the-week while i just act like a wall and shut up and listen? like sorry! i have my own life and just because you neglect what i care about doesn't mean i should! bullying me constantly for my interests and making fun of me for being autistic and you think i wouldn't get sick of that? surrounding myself with people who actually giving a fuck about me and getting mad that i'm not completely alone and miserable. and you have the audacity to wish me a horrible life because i had enough and said my goodbyes. i pity you. i really do. i hope you realize the way you constantly discard people for not living up to your insane standards is actually insane but you won't and i've made peace with that. despite everything i don't hate you. i will always care about you. and i'm painfully aware i will always care more.

i guess this is all to say friendships can really be. like. i dont know. Complicated. you put up with people's flaws because you love them. i'm very much aware of my own problems that my friends don't, like. accept perse. but understand? give grace to? because we can never be perfect. but when you expect So much from people and give so little in return it's like. why do i keep bothering. you'd think i was this high maintenance person but all i ask is to be heard. i give up so much of my life to keep other people happy. can i be the receiving end of unconditional kindness for once? at the very least i recognize my worth. i know i deserve better than to be treated as a punching bag. i think this kind of friendship blow up was ultimately meant to happen. but i'm not as distraught post-explosion as i thought i'd be. i think about them still. i wonder if things could've been different. but i do have people that love me, and i love them. relationships ebb and flow and i'm mature enough to recognize that friendships serve their purpose and help you grow even after they're over. and i can easily say that the spring has been treating me much better.

i think i need to be more comfortable with being alone. it's not so much that i don't have people in my life, but i notice i feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness when i'm left with my own thoughts. this isn't new for me, but i guess more potent lately. i find myself so desperate to be around others that it makes me, like. i don't know. unproductive? distractible? desperate? i feel like i'm not enjoying my hobbies as much lately because i keep forcing myself to be with people. there's a winter storm coming this weekend so maybe i'll test out some self-imposed isolation so i can focus on myself. i don't really feel like good company lately, anyway. too gloomy and boring.

i guess i just feel stagnant. people are doing so much with their lives and i still feel like i'm stuck on step 1. i want to get better, but i linger in bad habits just to keep things from changing. i need change, but it's always so scary, and any steps i take towards it seems to bring me back to before or makes me worse. especially with dating. man, dating sucks. i've told some of my friends this because i cannot overstate that i feel too weird for normies but too normie for weirdos. like, yeah i'm a super weeb. and yes i'm gay. but the people in those overlapping groups drive me fucking insane. all that's left is unstable zoomers or 30 year olds who never grew up. it's so bleak. i don't have social media and it's too cold to really do anything in the real world. i hate apps. i just want to stumble into the love of my life but who does that anymore haha... i think i'm just gonna become a nun or something.

my first journal entry of the year! i would've done it sooner but i got into such a lazy spell while i was spending my break with my parents. it was really nice to veg out for a while and especially see my cute doggy dog. i'm just getting back into the swing of Being An Adult again. my parent's have a tendency to baby me hardcore lol. i don't think that'll ever end. today's my second day of class! i'm nearly done with my program. by next year i'll get my masters! it's been a long journey but i think this is the path i'm supposed to be on. it feels good. i took a lot of winding turns but i'm finally doing what i want...

i started playing colors tcg recently! it's soooo old school internet i love it. everyone should totally play it!! if you do because of me you should totes use me as a referral (winks) it gives me such a squee feeling collecting decks of my favorite characters, especially ones that are like, so not relevant anymore. i was talking with someone about animanga and they said i seem like to type to like 'niche stuff'. which is like. crazy to me that just classic manga is considered Deep Cut. i think that's why i just don't connect to the average anime fan hgjfdjhgd they're literally all so normal like. it's the shonen of the week and not much else. i can't really talk i guess. i usually just rewatch things i already like. this year i really need to branch out...

things are going okay i think. i'm like not miserable so that's a plus. i'm trying to be good Health wise like i bought decent groceries the other day and cleaned up my apartment. i need to make a bigger effort to drink more water and exercise and all that health bullshit. i feel like i've been doing pretty good on the internet front of my resolution. i'm basically only active on pet sites and discord and here nowadays. it feels a lot better tbh. i haven't been Creative lately but i'm sort of giving myself a little break because i want the Inspo to hit me... i see my psychiatrist tomorrow i wonder if i should ask for more stuff for energy LOL