something new each day

so, it's been a while! nearly a year on this page, at least. i really wasn't kidding when i said i was bad at keeping up with these. but let's see. i'll try to sum up the past year... i'm in graduate school now. i moved across the country for it, actually. it wouldn't be possible without a very special group of friends (whose websites i have linked). my 8 year relationship ended. i'm living on my own for the first time. i'm happily recovering from mold poisoning. i'm into yet another niche yaoi, who would've guessed! i hope to have a page up for them at some point, hehe.

it's a lot of change, good change, but it wasn't easy. it was painful, a lot of goodbyes to the familiar, but it was rewarding. it's what i needed to be really happy. i'm at a point in my life where i can focus on myself, and i have people around me that really care. i feel so much love from the people i talk to, even from the people i just follow online, and it means the world to me. truthfully, getting to this point in my life felt impossible, and coming to terms with the fact that it was brings up a lot of emotions in me. it makes me wonder what's next! and it makes me look back on a younger me with a lot of sympathy. she was worried about so much, too much. i think of when i first made this website and how hopeless everything felt. how wounded i was, and how, at the time, i didn't have any time to heal. but now we do! i was looking at my little memory box, and i read a letter we wrote to our (at the time) 22 year old self. 18 year old lizzie just wanted things to be different, but she didn't know how. i still don't really know how! but i learn more and more every day. i think i've finally become a person that 18 lizzie would be proud of.

i don't have a simple solution to anyone who might be struggling. but maybe take a chance? do what you think would make you happy, even if it's scary. there's people in your life that will help you get there. and give yourself some credit. you've made it this far. and if nothing else, i believe in you!

i really am terrible at keeping up with journals. it's been 3 months! oops. a lot has happened! i graduated! i'm applying to graduate programs! i'm into kitarou now! i have a lot of friends who i deeply care for! i'm cosplaying the once-ler! i'm working two jobs! overall, things have been pretty good. i fell out of updating my site for a bit, but i'm back into full throttle mood over my recent yaoi obsession.

so i'm better now! i think. who knew what a few days off and reassurance from loved ones can do to the psyche. i still get, like... sad, obviously, but it isn't as dire as it was before, i think. i need to keep in mind that a lot of people care about me, and i need to make the effort to let them know i'm glad to be their friend.

in other news, i posted a fic the other week, and i'm really happy with the way it turned out. i'm having a harder time with the continuation, but with my future days off, i hope to knock it out. i've gotten a lot of good writing advice that i wanna try to implement. this reminds me though that i've been meaning to make a page for my fanfics. the ao3 ddos stuff got me fucked up because i very quickly realized i do NOT have any of that shit saved. plus i think i can code up something real cute. i need to finish my migemai shrine first before i load up another task for myself though.

unrelated fun fact-- i made this website 2 days after my 17th birthday! didn't actually do anything with it until the start of this year, though.

i wouldn't call this a cry for help, but, well. i'm feeling awful. the stress of... everything is getting to me, and i feel alone through all of it. it isn't as if i don't have people to rely on, but i've built up this idea of myself that i can't be vulnerable. it's wrong of me. i don't want to be a burden, but there's only so much i can bear alone. i continue this cycle of self-propelled sadness until i get over it.

it just feels easier to yell at the void, i suppose, and if anyone can hear me, i'm not doing well. i haven't felt suicidal in a long time, but i can feel myself sinking. sometimes i think about how people would remember me more fondly if i was dead. i daydream about what people would say about me. i just want to be cared for and know that i'm cared for, i think. i feel like i do so much without much in return. i don't know. i don't want to wake up tomorrow. i'll be fine eventually, but i have to do the bare minimum of at least writing it out before i get better. thanks for listening, if you are. or reading, i guess! sorry for all the mess.

went to a con, immediately got sick. lol. it was a lot of fun, though! i met some of my online best friends for the first time (plus their pets), and i had a really good time. i cosplayed fem!izaya, meryl stryfe, and jyushimatsu. i looked really cute, ngl. getting sick kind of sucks, but i don't have the strongest immunue system, anyway, so it was to be expected.

i also saw spiderverse and. i'm so not normal about it. a miguel/miles shrine might be in the works, if i have enough time... in other fandom-related news, i fell back into ffxiv, and i'm very happy to have my love reignited for a game i've spent so much time on! i've been playing a lot more of it with my partner.

it's been a little bit! there's a reason for that. i just started my last set of classes, and i'm doing an (unpaid, lol) internship. not to mention i'm still working on other parts of the site. i do want to keep up with this sort of digital journaling, though. it feels a lot less... exhausting than physically journaling, for some reason. i think the main part is that i don't care for my handwriting.

i've been thinking about myself. when i think back on myself even a couple years prior, i was in a bad place. i had no energy to be creative or talk to friends, and now i think, at the very least, i'm able to do those things. it took a long time for me to be comfortable enough with myself to be open about my passions and myself, but i think it's worth it. i know there's things i can improve on, but it seems a lot more obtainable to be the person i want to be than ever before. i think i'm just getting sentimental because i graduated. who knows, maybe i'll be a neet by next year! hopefully not. that'd be awful. i need to busy or i will simply DIE.