something new each day

the past few days have felt so crazy ngl. i've been partying pretty consistently but last night's rave is the last one for the month. i'm exhausted and need a break before getting crunk again. my throat also hurts.

um. so. a few days ago my crush introduced me to their coworker who is really nice and funny. we ended up making out the first day we met LOL. it was kind of embarassing. i felt like a total uke. i needed to take a break and sit outside for a bit and i cried because i do that when i'm drunk and they were very sweet. they kept teasing me and they taught me how to dance and bought me a drink. we like a lot of the same things too. urghhhh curse me for being so shy!! then last night we went to a rave together with some other friends and they were there too. and they looked very handsome. we ended up dancing a lot. they kept their arm around my waist most of the night. i liked to pet their hair while we hugged. and they drove me home. and they write yaoi fanfic. and gave me a hickey. I'm so easy it's kind of crazy. i just love being treated like a princess. # # # # so much of my life i've tried to distance myself from being feminine because it's scary. so when i can be silly and pretty it feels, like. i don't know. cathartic.

today was really boring honestly. i had stuff to do but i didn't feel like doing it. that'll be future lizzie's problem. i worked on the webbed site instead. did some rehauling of the jyushiko page especially because she looked kinda boring. a lot happier with it now! i'm halfway through the first season of ososan too! i remember really enjoying the 2nd cour but i don't remember much of the specifics haha. s1 cour 1 is always a 10/10. writing reviews kind of intimidates me i feel like i don't have much to say besides I liked it! so cool! cute and funny! i think fanfiction is kind of my fannish labor of love but despite it all i've never... written osomatsu-san fic? how? ive roleplayed it before but never sat down and wrote a fic for it... i think it's mainly because there's so much fic that i enjoy that i didn't really feel the need to XD there's still tons i haven't read yet!! there's this one author on ao3 i really admire for being an uke jyushimatsu warrior. shoutout to ryuuhibi. you're the goat. expect sporadic comments from me in the future.

getting a clue about css is really making this so much fun. i have so many ideas and not quite enough skill for it but that's what learning is for! i don't really have the inspo for a doi page yet but i've got the idea of mikoko's. i think it helps that it wouldn't be much text and more just Aesthetics looking. it's kind of funny how my favorite girl characters end up being the super feminine type. meanwhile the guys are like. Suit Man. gender roles in fiction is fun to indulge in. i think that's in part why i like seme/uke dynamics + omegaverse. being a woman in real life is pretty scary but designating a character as The Woman is safer. The Woman is cherished and protected. sometimes The Woman is tortured but that feels cathartic too. idk. just thinking out loud.

auhhhh i was really stressed today actually. about my crush. about my life. i kept thinking about how stupid i was the other night. acting like a fucking mess stupid stupid UGHHHHH why was i so fucking dumb!!! oh my god!!! i blew it!!! i've permanently altered our friendship in the worst way!! maybe she doesn't even want to be friends with me another. it makes me sad but it'd be completely fair. i hate when i realize i can't take a perception of me back. it makes me feel so stained and ugly. i honestly really try to put on a cutesy shy image in real life but i really am like. sick in the head. there is so much wrong with me and i can't ever hide it. it eventually slips through the cracks and i'm so repulsive. maybe i should turn to god for real. i joke about it a lot but it truly would be my last resort if nothing else works. Jesus ? CAn you hear me? Do something IM FUCKED UPPPPPPPP oh my god i will never get married. no one will love me. It's truly over all the time. #washed #flop #over #9/11

what hasn't happened in the past two days. my god. ok. good news. i quit my job! put in my two weeks the other day and it's such a relief. i hated going. it was so boring and miserable and i couldn't take it anymore. my last day is the 28th and i couldn't be happier. it was such an annoying commute too. fuck you (insert retail store here).

my crush and i went to a rave the other night. i was really bad and drank way more than i needed to. i tried poppers. and some gummies. and i literally cant remember most of the night but it was a lot of fun! i think me getting extremely fucked up was a huge turn off for my crush, so. wanged that one. i feel like i'm okay with it though. because like. i don't think there's anyone who could see me at my ugliest and think i'm worth it. i'm disgustingly needy and helpless and i cling to anyone who i think can save me. it's really sickening. i truly do ruin everything i touch. people can't even be nice to me because i'm so full of myself. it's strange being like. i don't know. i hate myself so much but i think of myself all the time. why do i think i matter? why do i think anyone would like me? i don't really know. at least i can be comforted in the fact that i knew it wouldn't go anywhere.

the moral of this story is that i want to do more drugs. it felt really nice not to think. i didn't really party in my undergrad years so it's been fun actually doing that. i feel like i'm so emotionally stunted that i missed out on so much when i was younger. but i guess i can do it now.

i tried to write an entry earlier in the week but i honestly didn't have much to say haha. not much has happened this week but i feel like my thoughts are a lot more in order. i've been in such a weird rut lately. i don't know what it is, but my brain feels soooo foggy. i feel better today but i don't know what's up with me. maybe it's the weather? it's getting colder here. before long it'll end up snowing in november LOL.

having a crush sucks so bad. what the fuck am i supposed to say or do without looking super pathetic. i really like talking to her and i hope she likes talking to me... but sometimes i feel like i can come across as pushy to hang out. i worry that i'm overestimating my relevance in her life. i think i just need to make a move (SCARY) and if she rejects me at least it'll hurt less than going the weird situationship route. she said she wanted to go to another dyke bar together. like that has to mean something right? she could go alone but she wants me there... i'm not a virgin but spiritually i feel like one. i don't know how to flirt!!! what do women say to other women!!! HELP!!! not to mention i'm so shy and ugly. horrific combo.

i've been rewatching osomatsu-san since i've been working more on my jyushimatsu shrine and man the first season is so good... there's some great episodes in the other seasons but s1 is banger after banger. it makes me really nostalgic... i was like... 16 when it came out. i still think of those shitty brothers fondly. i'm shocked at myself that i don't have a jyushi plush! i'll need to fix that.

i actually feel a lot better today. the social detox was really nice... i didnt go on my phone hardly at all at work. my phone has pretty much become a glorified mp3 player. i hope i can keep this up because, like. it's crazy how much more time i have during the day when i'm not mindlessly scrolling.

i bought this game called "gogh" because i saw someone make their otp in it haha. it's pretty much a productivity app / virtual parallel play. you make a little avatar and go to people's rooms and work on stuff. it's very cozy. it plays uhh. what's the genre. fuck. the really calm stuff. LOFI. it plays various lofi music. i have it turned off because i'm usually in public when i'm working but i really like it. you can make to-do lists and daily routines. you take care of a little creature thing too. i love working alongside people because it makes me feel less lonely and gives me some accountability. by noon i got a midterm done and started working on another school project. look who i ended up making!

i'm back at 6:34 pm. turns out bad habits are really hard to break. i don't know why i do things that hurt me all the time. i really do feel like some sort of strange hideous creature. my heart aches sick and painful.

i'm taking steps to do a social media detox. i think i'm way too reliant on Online to make me feel better. i've deleted all my socials and told myself i would only check, like. discord when i have a notif. otherwise i find myself mindlessly going through servers to cure my boredom. the only place i think i care to be 'active' on is here since it doesn't feel so, like. instant gratification. i want to have hobbies again. i want to read and watch stuff and not feel so sad all the time. i'm watching uma musume right now and it's really cute, and i'm currently downloading hd seasons of osomatsu so i can do a rewatch (plus add things to the screencaps section of my jyushi shrine). it feels like a step in the right direction... i guess my fear is like. that i'll look distant and cold. which i really don't intend to. i really do care about my friends but i really feel like i do nothing but annoy or cause stress. i want to be okay. i want to be normal.

website news i think like. i want to have a specific section for my writing. like for my fics and poetry and i think i'll make an roleplay add page because i do love to rp. i need to update my fanfic page anyway i think i can make it look better.

what am i doing wrong? am i really so unpleasant? so worthless? nothing changes. i'm sososo lonely. i'm sorry for being so ugly and selfish. i don't deserve company. i really do give up. there's nothing more i can do. i wish i didn't exist. i wish i could be forgotten. i don't carry a single purpose. i'm a blight. disgusting and horrible and parasitic and useless maybe this will be the year i'll grow a spine and shoot myself in the head

revisiting this entry actually since it's like. the middle of the day. i think i realize what's wrong with me. i'm like. incredibly narcissistic i think. there's something about myself that i believe i deserve so much more than i get. i've been blaming other people for it but it really just might be me. i've always kind of known i wasn't a good person but this revelation kind of made my stomach drop. i constantly enable my own misery because i think too much of myself. being self aware sucks so fucking bad like i realize i have this bad thoughts and tendencies but i still don't change. my mind is a disease. i don't know if i can ever be happy.

back to sadness. i don't have it in me to make this a long entry. it's funny how people will be like. ohhh we miss you. you don't tell us anything about yourself. and then the moment i try i get ignored LMFAO i get constant reminders that no one really gives that much of a fuck about me. i'm only useful when i'm doing something for other people. my value is finite and conditional. it upsets me but it is what it is. i just need to retreat and stop trying so hard to break a cycle i'm already used to. no one will ever care for me the way i care for other people. it hurts. but what do i expect?

ok so maybe i've been a little dramatic lately. things have been going deceivingly fine.... the dyke bar was a lot of fun actually. i really anticipated being alone and on my phone the whole night but i met some nice people! even got to exchange contact info with a couple of them. And i got wasted. so complete success. i think i'll go again sometime when my wallet isn't begging for mercy.

i've been doing what i can to not feel so crazy all the time. keeping busy with school and work. reading (currently: the picture of dorian gray). website stuff. they're good distractions. i forgot how much fun i had adding random bullshit here. recently i made my akita neru shrine because i love her so much and felt like i needed more girl pages. i think i'll dedicate time to work on the spamton shrine this week though. i need to get my tennaspam thoughts out there. and even some of my small pinkspam ones. this fic i'm workng on is killing me but i hope to have it done within the next couple weeks.

oh yeah. i have someone i like-like. they're in my classes and they're so cool. i worry i'm way too cringe and ugly for them though. we flirt occasionally but i'm trying not to get my hopes up LOL. the last thing i need is to sink back into the 'i'm gonna die alone' omen i have. i think about them a lot. and i want to hang out more. but i'm, well. terrified. how do you express interest in someone without looking completely desperate? i've been out of the dating game for so long that i have no idea what to do.

i'm surprised at myself. i did a lot more yesterday than i thought i would. i actually went to class. i wrote a decent amount of fic. i dragged myself out of my self-isolation cave. i started reading the picture of dorian grey. tomorrow i'm getting breakfast with my besties. i wouldn't say i feel much better from yesterday but by the time it hit like 2 o'clock i had a better grasp on being Aware i guess. i don't know what i'm gonna do when it stops being warm-ish outside. kill myself?

i don't know what i want to work on next site-wise... my spamton shrine is a huge work in progress but i don't know if i have the brain power to write any ship manifestos. maybe i could start the spamton transgender page? that's more rambly and hc-fuel and feels low stakes enough. might just add random miscellanous stuff. actually. future goal: make playlist pages not link to spotify. i'll figure out how i want to do that...... later. i also want to make an oni to tengoku page.

the dyke bar is happening tonight. i don't expect anything but i want to get wasted.

well. i've come down from whatever that was. i'm still, like. sad. but it's manageable. i've been wondering if i'm cut out for having meaningful relationships with other people. it's not that i don't care. i just worry myself sick over being... bad? useless? something like that. lately everything is just. so hard. it's not even objectively difficult. i just find it harder to get out of bed. to keep my eyes open. to force myself in people's lives. i'd feel better if i could just... restart. i want a soft reset on where i am in life. a clean slate. and i'd do better this time around. i wouldn't be a burden and i would be so content blending into the background. i hate being the main character of my own life. i wish i didn't have to think. i haven't had a bad depression spell in a while but i'm feeling it now. i'm taking my meds. i'm going outside. i just think my brain or heart or both don't work anymore. i'm writing this from the library and i just want to go home and sleep the day away. i had the weirdest dream last night. my friends went missing and i was being followed and i was so convinced i was next. there was blood everywhere. i think that's kind of. how i always think. i'm so hypervigilant it exhausts me. i'm so afraid the world is out to get me. i wish i could just relax.

not really related. but sort of. but i've thinking about my presence online. social media really is just not for me. i like posting to the void on here and maybe someone will see, maybe they won't, but it's still... there. i won't lose how i felt. and i don't need a like or follow to make me feel better. i want to dedicate more time here anyway with how censorship is taking over the internet. i know eventually they'll come for, like. literally everything. and that hurts a lot. the things i write and daydream about bring me so much comfort. but at least i feel safer here.

i'll probably skip class today. i think i'm gonna go to a bar tomorrow night. i'll waste a bunch of money being ugly and sad by myself. but i need a good cry in public, haha.

is anyone out there? can anyone here me in this digital sea? i'm not doing well.

i feel like i'm whimpering aimlessly. i'm a stray dog that licks her own wounds. i've come so far, but i still feel so broken. it's not fair. the same things keep happening to me. i become vulnerable, and it ruins me. is this what i deserve? to be hurt over and over again? if not deserve, is it what i need? a sign that life is simply not worth living? should i have given up by now? i wish i had. i would i have the courage to give up now. but i'm too cowardly. every attempt of mine is just an excuse for pity. i'm vain enough to hope i'm pretty when i die. i think about it so often. overdosing. jumping off a building. getting hit by a car. my corpse a gruesome disgusting ugly mess but my face is still recognizable. it's why i never think to shoot myself.

it's not enough to kill myself. i want every memory of me wiped from existence. i want to mean nothing. i want to become nothing. i wish everyone would stop pretending to care so i could die with peace. it's cruel to give me hope. even crueler to rip it from me time and time again. i don't want to be mourned. just let me rest. there's needles and knives prying open my heart and no matter how much i spill no one will answer i'm so sick it never ends i hate myself i can't stand it anymore i want it to be over i'm tired of pretending

if anyone's looking to do a suicide pact please e-mail me. i'm so serious.

so, it's been a while! nearly a year on this page, at least. i really wasn't kidding when i said i was bad at keeping up with these. but let's see. i'll try to sum up the past year... i'm in graduate school now. i moved across the country for it, actually. it wouldn't be possible without a very special group of friends (whose websites i have linked). my 8 year relationship ended. i'm living on my own for the first time. i'm happily recovering from mold poisoning. i'm into yet another niche yaoi, who would've guessed! i hope to have a page up for them at some point, hehe.

it's a lot of change, good change, but it wasn't easy. it was painful, a lot of goodbyes to the familiar, but it was rewarding. it's what i needed to be really happy. i'm at a point in my life where i can focus on myself, and i have people around me that really care. i feel so much love from the people i talk to, even from the people i just follow online, and it means the world to me. truthfully, getting to this point in my life felt impossible, and coming to terms with the fact that it was brings up a lot of emotions in me. it makes me wonder what's next! and it makes me look back on a younger me with a lot of sympathy. she was worried about so much, too much. i think of when i first made this website and how hopeless everything felt. how wounded i was, and how, at the time, i didn't have any time to heal. but now we do! i was looking at my little memory box, and i read a letter we wrote to our (at the time) 22 year old self. 18 year old lizzie just wanted things to be different, but she didn't know how. i still don't really know how! but i learn more and more every day. i think i've finally become a person that 18 lizzie would be proud of.

i don't have a simple solution to anyone who might be struggling. but maybe take a chance? do what you think would make you happy, even if it's scary. there's people in your life that will help you get there. and give yourself some credit. you've made it this far. and if nothing else, i believe in you!

so i'm better now! i think. who knew what a few days off and reassurance from loved ones can do to the psyche. i still get, like... sad, obviously, but it isn't as dire as it was before, i think. i need to keep in mind that a lot of people care about me, and i need to make the effort to let them know i'm glad to be their friend.

in other news, i posted a fic the other week, and i'm really happy with the way it turned out. i'm having a harder time with the continuation, but with my future days off, i hope to knock it out. i've gotten a lot of good writing advice that i wanna try to implement. this reminds me though that i've been meaning to make a page for my fanfics. the ao3 ddos stuff got me fucked up because i very quickly realized i do NOT have any of that shit saved. plus i think i can code up something real cute. i need to finish my migemai shrine first before i load up another task for myself though.

unrelated fun fact-- i made this website 2 days after my 17th birthday! didn't actually do anything with it until the start of this year, though.

i wouldn't call this a cry for help, but, well. i'm feeling awful. the stress of... everything is getting to me, and i feel alone through all of it. it isn't as if i don't have people to rely on, but i've built up this idea of myself that i can't be vulnerable. it's wrong of me. i don't want to be a burden, but there's only so much i can bear alone. i continue this cycle of self-propelled sadness until i get over it.

it just feels easier to yell at the void, i suppose, and if anyone can hear me, i'm not doing well. i haven't felt suicidal in a long time, but i can feel myself sinking. sometimes i think about how people would remember me more fondly if i was dead. i daydream about what people would say about me. i just want to be cared for and know that i'm cared for, i think. i feel like i do so much without much in return. i don't know. i don't want to wake up tomorrow. i'll be fine eventually, but i have to do the bare minimum of at least writing it out before i get better. thanks for listening, if you are. or reading, i guess! sorry for all the mess.

went to a con, immediately got sick. lol. it was a lot of fun, though! i met some of my online best friends for the first time (plus their pets), and i had a really good time. i cosplayed fem!izaya, meryl stryfe, and jyushimatsu. i looked really cute, ngl. getting sick kind of sucks, but i don't have the strongest immunue system, anyway, so it was to be expected.

i also saw spiderverse and. i'm so not normal about it. a miguel/miles shrine might be in the works, if i have enough time... in other fandom-related news, i fell back into ffxiv, and i'm very happy to have my love reignited for a game i've spent so much time on! i've been playing a lot more of it with my partner.

it's been a little bit! there's a reason for that. i just started my last set of classes, and i'm doing an (unpaid, lol) internship. not to mention i'm still working on other parts of the site. i do want to keep up with this sort of digital journaling, though. it feels a lot less... exhausting than physically journaling, for some reason. i think the main part is that i don't care for my handwriting.

i've been thinking about myself. when i think back on myself even a couple years prior, i was in a bad place. i had no energy to be creative or talk to friends, and now i think, at the very least, i'm able to do those things. it took a long time for me to be comfortable enough with myself to be open about my passions and myself, but i think it's worth it. i know there's things i can improve on, but it seems a lot more obtainable to be the person i want to be than ever before. i think i'm just getting sentimental because i graduated. who knows, maybe i'll be a neet by next year! hopefully not. that'd be awful. i need to busy or i will simply DIE.