i really am terrible at keeping up with journals. it's been 3 months! oops. a lot has happened! i graduated! i'm applying to graduate programs! i'm into kitarou now! i have a lot of friends who i deeply care for! i'm cosplaying the once-ler! i'm working two jobs! overall, things have been pretty good. i fell out of updating my site for a bit, but i'm back into full throttle mood over my recent yaoi obsession.

so i'm better now! i think. who knew what a few days off and reassurance from loved ones can do to the psyche. i still get, like... sad, obviously, but it isn't as dire as it was before, i think. i need to keep in mind that a lot of people care about me, and i need to make the effort to let them know i'm glad to be their friend.

in other news, i posted a fic the other week, and i'm really happy with the way it turned out. i'm having a harder time with the continuation, but with my future days off, i hope to knock it out. i've gotten a lot of good writing advice that i wanna try to implement. this reminds me though that i've been meaning to make a page for my fanfics. the ao3 ddos stuff got me fucked up because i very quickly realized i do NOT have any of that shit saved. plus i think i can code up something real cute. i need to finish my migemai shrine first before i load up another task for myself though.

unrelated fun fact-- i made this website 2 days after my 17th birthday! didn't actually do anything with it until the start of this year, though.

i wouldn't call this a cry for help, but, well. i'm feeling awful. the stress of... everything is getting to me, and i feel alone through all of it. it isn't as if i don't have people to rely on, but i've built up this idea of myself that i can't be vulnerable. it's wrong of me. i don't want to be a burden, but there's only so much i can bear alone. i continue this cycle of self-propelled sadness until i get over it.

it just feels easier to yell at the void, i suppose, and if anyone can hear me, i'm not doing well. i haven't felt suicidal in a long time, but i can feel myself sinking. sometimes i think about how people would remember me more fondly if i was dead. i daydream about what people would say about me. i just want to be cared for and know that i'm cared for, i think. i feel like i do so much without much in return. i don't know. i don't want to wake up tomorrow. i'll be fine eventually, but i have to do the bare minimum of at least writing it out before i get better. thanks for listening, if you are. or reading, i guess! sorry for all the mess.

went to a con, immediately got sick. lol. it was a lot of fun, though! i met some of my online best friends for the first time (plus their pets), and i had a really good time. i cosplayed fem!izaya, meryl stryfe, and jyushimatsu. i looked really cute, ngl. getting sick kind of sucks, but i don't have the strongest immunue system, anyway, so it was to be expected.

i also saw spiderverse and. i'm so not normal about it. a miguel/miles shrine might be in the works, if i have enough time... in other fandom-related news, i fell back into ffxiv, and i'm very happy to have my love reignited for a game i've spent so much time on! i've been playing a lot more of it with my partner.

it's been a little bit! there's a reason for that. i just started my last set of classes, and i'm doing an (unpaid, lol) internship. not to mention i'm still working on other parts of the site. i do want to keep up with this sort of digital journaling, though. it feels a lot less... exhausting than physically journaling, for some reason. i think the main part is that i don't care for my handwriting.

i've been thinking about myself. when i think back on myself even a couple years prior, i was in a bad place. i had no energy to be creative or talk to friends, and now i think, at the very least, i'm able to do those things. it took a long time for me to be comfortable enough with myself to be open about my passions and myself, but i think it's worth it. i know there's things i can improve on, but it seems a lot more obtainable to be the person i want to be than ever before. i think i'm just getting sentimental because i graduated. who knows, maybe i'll be a neet by next year! hopefully not. that'd be awful. i need to busy or i will simply DIE.

this is my first time starting a page from scratch, go me! it looks like shit right now, but we're working on it. i didn't expect to have this much fun making a website, but it genuinely fills me with a huge sense of like. childlike glee. i actually was giggling when i was making some of my screenshot edits for my shrine. looking for stamps right now!