something new each day

ok so maybe i've been a little dramatic lately. things have been going deceivingly fine.... the dyke bar was a lot of fun actually. i really anticipated being alone and on my phone the whole night but i met some nice people! even got to exchange contact info with a couple of them. And i got wasted. so complete success. i think i'll go again sometime when my wallet isn't begging for mercy.

i've been doing what i can to not feel so crazy all the time. keeping busy with school and work. reading (currently: the picture of dorian gray). website stuff. they're good distractions. i forgot how much fun i had adding random bullshit here. recently i made my akita neru shrine because i love her so much and felt like i needed more girl pages. i think i'll dedicate time to work on the spamton shrine this week though. i need to get my tennaspam thoughts out there. and even some of my small pinkspam ones. this fic i'm workng on is killing me but i hope to have it done within the next couple weeks.

oh yeah. i have someone i like-like. they're in my classes and they're so cool. i worry i'm way too cringe and ugly for them though. we flirt occasionally but i'm trying not to get my hopes up LOL. the last thing i need is to sink back into the 'i'm gonna die alone' omen i have. i think about them a lot. and i want to hang out more. but i'm, well. terrified. how do you express interest in someone without looking completely desperate? i've been out of the dating game for so long that i have no idea what to do.

i'm surprised at myself. i did a lot more yesterday than i thought i would. i actually went to class. i wrote a decent amount of fic. i dragged myself out of my self-isolation cave. i started reading the picture of dorian grey. tomorrow i'm getting breakfast with my besties. i wouldn't say i feel much better from yesterday but by the time it hit like 2 o'clock i had a better grasp on being Aware i guess. i don't know what i'm gonna do when it stops being warm-ish outside. kill myself?

i don't know what i want to work on next site-wise... my spamton shrine is a huge work in progress but i don't know if i have the brain power to write any ship manifestos. maybe i could start the spamton transgender page? that's more rambly and hc-fuel and feels low stakes enough. might just add random miscellanous stuff. actually. future goal: make playlist pages not link to spotify. i'll figure out how i want to do that...... later. i also want to make an oni to tengoku page.

the dyke bar is happening tonight. i don't expect anything but i want to get wasted.

well. i've come down from whatever that was. i'm still, like. sad. but it's manageable. i've been wondering if i'm cut out for having meaningful relationships with other people. it's not that i don't care. i just worry myself sick over being... bad? useless? something like that. lately everything is just. so hard. it's not even objectively difficult. i just find it harder to get out of bed. to keep my eyes open. to force myself in people's lives. i'd feel better if i could just... restart. i want a soft reset on where i am in life. a clean slate. and i'd do better this time around. i wouldn't be a burden and i would be so content blending into the background. i hate being the main character of my own life. i wish i didn't have to think. i haven't had a bad depression spell in a while but i'm feeling it now. i'm taking my meds. i'm going outside. i just think my brain or heart or both don't work anymore. i'm writing this from the library and i just want to go home and sleep the day away. i had the weirdest dream last night. my friends went missing and i was being followed and i was so convinced i was next. there was blood everywhere. i think that's kind of. how i always think. i'm so hypervigilant it exhausts me. i'm so afraid the world is out to get me. i wish i could just relax.

not really related. but sort of. but i've thinking about my presence online. social media really is just not for me. i like posting to the void on here and maybe someone will see, maybe they won't, but it's still... there. i won't lose how i felt. and i don't need a like or follow to make me feel better. i want to dedicate more time here anyway with how censorship is taking over the internet. i know eventually they'll come for, like. literally everything. and that hurts a lot. the things i write and daydream about bring me so much comfort. but at least i feel safer here.

i'll probably skip class today. i think i'm gonna go to a bar tomorrow night. i'll waste a bunch of money being ugly and sad by myself. but i need a good cry in public, haha.

is anyone out there? can anyone here me in this digital sea? i'm not doing well.

i feel like i'm whimpering aimlessly. i'm a stray dog that licks her own wounds. i've come so far, but i still feel so broken. it's not fair. the same things keep happening to me. i become vulnerable, and it ruins me. is this what i deserve? to be hurt over and over again? if not deserve, is it what i need? a sign that life is simply not worth living? should i have given up by now? i wish i had. i would i have the courage to give up now. but i'm too cowardly. every attempt of mine is just an excuse for pity. i'm vain enough to hope i'm pretty when i die. i think about it so often. overdosing. jumping off a building. getting hit by a car. my corpse a gruesome disgusting ugly mess but my face is still recognizable. it's why i never think to shoot myself.

it's not enough to kill myself. i want every memory of me wiped from existence. i want to mean nothing. i want to become nothing. i wish everyone would stop pretending to care so i could die with peace. it's cruel to give me hope. even crueler to rip it from me time and time again. i don't want to be mourned. just let me rest. there's needles and knives prying open my heart and no matter how much i spill no one will answer i'm so sick it never ends i hate myself i can't stand it anymore i want it to be over i'm tired of pretending

if anyone's looking to do a suicide pact please e-mail me. i'm so serious.

so, it's been a while! nearly a year on this page, at least. i really wasn't kidding when i said i was bad at keeping up with these. but let's see. i'll try to sum up the past year... i'm in graduate school now. i moved across the country for it, actually. it wouldn't be possible without a very special group of friends (whose websites i have linked). my 8 year relationship ended. i'm living on my own for the first time. i'm happily recovering from mold poisoning. i'm into yet another niche yaoi, who would've guessed! i hope to have a page up for them at some point, hehe.

it's a lot of change, good change, but it wasn't easy. it was painful, a lot of goodbyes to the familiar, but it was rewarding. it's what i needed to be really happy. i'm at a point in my life where i can focus on myself, and i have people around me that really care. i feel so much love from the people i talk to, even from the people i just follow online, and it means the world to me. truthfully, getting to this point in my life felt impossible, and coming to terms with the fact that it was brings up a lot of emotions in me. it makes me wonder what's next! and it makes me look back on a younger me with a lot of sympathy. she was worried about so much, too much. i think of when i first made this website and how hopeless everything felt. how wounded i was, and how, at the time, i didn't have any time to heal. but now we do! i was looking at my little memory box, and i read a letter we wrote to our (at the time) 22 year old self. 18 year old lizzie just wanted things to be different, but she didn't know how. i still don't really know how! but i learn more and more every day. i think i've finally become a person that 18 lizzie would be proud of.

i don't have a simple solution to anyone who might be struggling. but maybe take a chance? do what you think would make you happy, even if it's scary. there's people in your life that will help you get there. and give yourself some credit. you've made it this far. and if nothing else, i believe in you!

i really am terrible at keeping up with journals. it's been 3 months! oops. a lot has happened! i graduated! i'm applying to graduate programs! i'm into kitarou now! i have a lot of friends who i deeply care for! i'm cosplaying the once-ler! i'm working two jobs! overall, things have been pretty good. i fell out of updating my site for a bit, but i'm back into full throttle mood over my recent yaoi obsession.

so i'm better now! i think. who knew what a few days off and reassurance from loved ones can do to the psyche. i still get, like... sad, obviously, but it isn't as dire as it was before, i think. i need to keep in mind that a lot of people care about me, and i need to make the effort to let them know i'm glad to be their friend.

in other news, i posted a fic the other week, and i'm really happy with the way it turned out. i'm having a harder time with the continuation, but with my future days off, i hope to knock it out. i've gotten a lot of good writing advice that i wanna try to implement. this reminds me though that i've been meaning to make a page for my fanfics. the ao3 ddos stuff got me fucked up because i very quickly realized i do NOT have any of that shit saved. plus i think i can code up something real cute. i need to finish my migemai shrine first before i load up another task for myself though.

unrelated fun fact-- i made this website 2 days after my 17th birthday! didn't actually do anything with it until the start of this year, though.

i wouldn't call this a cry for help, but, well. i'm feeling awful. the stress of... everything is getting to me, and i feel alone through all of it. it isn't as if i don't have people to rely on, but i've built up this idea of myself that i can't be vulnerable. it's wrong of me. i don't want to be a burden, but there's only so much i can bear alone. i continue this cycle of self-propelled sadness until i get over it.

it just feels easier to yell at the void, i suppose, and if anyone can hear me, i'm not doing well. i haven't felt suicidal in a long time, but i can feel myself sinking. sometimes i think about how people would remember me more fondly if i was dead. i daydream about what people would say about me. i just want to be cared for and know that i'm cared for, i think. i feel like i do so much without much in return. i don't know. i don't want to wake up tomorrow. i'll be fine eventually, but i have to do the bare minimum of at least writing it out before i get better. thanks for listening, if you are. or reading, i guess! sorry for all the mess.

went to a con, immediately got sick. lol. it was a lot of fun, though! i met some of my online best friends for the first time (plus their pets), and i had a really good time. i cosplayed fem!izaya, meryl stryfe, and jyushimatsu. i looked really cute, ngl. getting sick kind of sucks, but i don't have the strongest immunue system, anyway, so it was to be expected.

i also saw spiderverse and. i'm so not normal about it. a miguel/miles shrine might be in the works, if i have enough time... in other fandom-related news, i fell back into ffxiv, and i'm very happy to have my love reignited for a game i've spent so much time on! i've been playing a lot more of it with my partner.

it's been a little bit! there's a reason for that. i just started my last set of classes, and i'm doing an (unpaid, lol) internship. not to mention i'm still working on other parts of the site. i do want to keep up with this sort of digital journaling, though. it feels a lot less... exhausting than physically journaling, for some reason. i think the main part is that i don't care for my handwriting.

i've been thinking about myself. when i think back on myself even a couple years prior, i was in a bad place. i had no energy to be creative or talk to friends, and now i think, at the very least, i'm able to do those things. it took a long time for me to be comfortable enough with myself to be open about my passions and myself, but i think it's worth it. i know there's things i can improve on, but it seems a lot more obtainable to be the person i want to be than ever before. i think i'm just getting sentimental because i graduated. who knows, maybe i'll be a neet by next year! hopefully not. that'd be awful. i need to busy or i will simply DIE.